Why Love: It Works

Bus with the title It Works

When I taught psychology class in high school, on of the best units covered the book, Tuesdays With Morrie. I even taught the book as the final work for my American Literature course. If you have read the book, you will recognize the following quote from Morrie:

“Love is the only rational act.”

Love makes sense. Love works. It is not easy. It is not weak.

Imagine… seriously…. Imagine if we chose to care about people and acted accordingly. And it is not just the grand moments that would be different. It is in the smallest, everyday aspect of life that we would see the change. Imagine how our decisions would change. How we would act in traffic. How we spent money. Imagine…

Love is the only thing that makes sense in this crazy world. Hate sure doesn’t solve anything. I can’t count the times that the newspaper or newscast left me wondering how bad can we make this world, then another story runs that reveals we can make it worse. We think love comes from the heart, and it does, but it also comes from our mind, our decisions. That is the crutch of Morrie’s quote, Love is rational.

I know that life will have hardships. I know in fact that this post will not change a thing in this world. But I believe that Love works, and I will choose Love everyday.

Thanks for reading this series. #OneLove

 

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Why Love: Joy

Two hearts with confetti

Do you remember the first time you fell in love? Or had your first serious heartbreak?  Both of these moments highlight the second answer to Why Love, and that is Joy.

Without getting too deep, I am going to touch on the magical aspect of love but also reveal the importance of why choosing love allows us to feel joy.

So let’s go back in time to that heart pounding time when that certain someone made you see the world in a whole new light. Falling in love. Do you remember how your priorities changed? How even rainy days were awesome? How you were awestruck by their eyes and totally lost any sense of time when you were with them? Life was so good.

Just for a second, let’s deal with the heartache. How dark and painful it felt. I know the argument that love breaks your heart, but that is wrong. People break your heart, not love.

Quote with roses on rocks

Falling in love and sadly the pain of heartbreak reveal the strength love has in revealing joy in our life. I use romantic love because many of us have been through this roller coaster of emotion. But joy comes from all aspects of life. My children have brought me to tears of joy as I watched them play with bubbles. I have lost the sense of time sitting on my patio with a cup of coffee. I have jammed out to a favorite song on the way to work. Life has been so good.

And yes, life has beaten me down. I have had serious dark days… but that is the crux of this answer. I believe that when we choose Love, it allows us to see the real beauty of this life. By seeing and acknowledging that beauty leads us to feel joy.

No, Love does not remove the hardships of life. Two years ago I wrote about the strength it takes to feel joy. This reveals how connected the choice of Love is in our life. Love brings us success in our life, it builds strength, it brings us joy. It is a cycle that creates an awesome life that can handle the hardships we encounter. But in the next post I am going to reveal the most important reason to choose Love. And I read it in a book…

Below is the song that I quoted earlier in the post.

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Why Love: Success Part 2

Collage of cake, computer, and football team

Love is the foundation to many of the characteristics that allow us to be successful at work, in sports, and life in general. Below are three articles with their list of characteristics for success. After you read through the traits, I’ll discuss how Love is the foundation for some of these.

The 6 Critical Qualities of the World’s Best Captains

(From Janssen Sports Leadership Center)

  1. The Best Captains are Relentlessly Competitive and Compelled to Win
  2. The Best Captains Care Passionately
  3. The Best Captains Respect Others
  4. The Best Captains are Honest and Trustworthy
  5. The Best Captains Encourage their Teammates
  6. The Best Captains are the Hardest Workers

7 Qualities Of A Good Employee and Candidate (According to Research)

(From Jibe)

  1. Strong work ethic: Setting and achieving goals
  2. Dependable: Consistently following through
  3. Positive attitude: Creating a good environment
  4. Self-motivated: Working effectively with little direction
  5. Team-oriented: Making the most out of collaboration
  6. Effective communicator: Understanding the benefits of clarity
  7. Flexible: Adapting in a meaningful way

What Your Marriage Needs to Survive

(From The Good Men Project)

These traits come from UCLA’s Family Studies Center that researched 1,500 couples who had been together for five or more years.The study revealed six common characteristics:

  1. There was a physical attraction between them.
  2. They were in the relationship out of clear choice rather than out of obligation or fear of being alone.
  3. They shared fundamental values, beliefs, interests, and goals.
  4. They were able to express anger clearly and directly and they resolved differences through communication and compromise.
  5. They experienced laughter, fun, pleasure, and play with each other.
  6. They were able to express support for each other and support each other’s activities, interests, and careers.

As a reminder here is my definition:

Love: the choice to care about a person, thing or idea, and to act accordingly.

I am going to start with the article, “What Your Marriage Needs to Survive” to look at how Love leads to success. In doing my research for this post I was struck by two of the characteristics revealed in the article.

They were in the relationship out of clear choice rather than out of obligation or fear of being alone.

They were able to express support for each other and support each other’s activities, interests, and careers.

Combined, these two traits show Love in action. Choosing to care about another person and to act accordingly, in this case to show support for their partner’s interests. This holds true for any relationship, really.  Now, it might seem logical that Love is a part of marriage, so let’s look at the other two articles.

Hard work is listed as a trait for an employee and for a captain of a team. Hard work is Love.

Hard work is the choice to care about your goals or success and to act accordingly. To do what it takes to reach those goals.

For both Love and Success, you have to act accordingly. Team is also mentioned for both employees and sports. The concept of team is Love.  To care about your teammates and your team’s goals, then to act accordingly. In the intro video with Gina Auriemma in the last post, he highlights this trait through the importance of body language of the players on the bench.

Love is not easy though. Success is not always guaranteed, at least in terms of wins and losses or landing your dream job. Life is too complex. But Love will lead to strength and true success in relationships, work, and other areas of life. And that type of success can be measured. It is called Pride. Pride is knowing you gave your best at whatever you are doing, that you chose to care and acted accordingly.

Why Love? The first answer is that it leads to success. Love is the foundation to traits that help us in sports, jobs, and relationships.

But it is not the only reason to choose Love. In the next post I will discuss how Love leads to Joy.

 

 

 

 

 

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Why Love: Success Part 1

Title with hands on a high bar

Before you watch the following video of Gina Auriemma talking about athletes he tries to recruit, pay attention to his use of the word Love.

“Recruiting kids that are like really upbeat and loving life and love the game and have this tremendous appreciation for when their teammates do something well..”

I recently blogged about how my sons have felt the sting of failure, but also how it was important to feel that pain because it meant their heart was in it and that they would eventually have success in their activities (Losing Hurts and that is Good).

Success.

That is the first reason or answer to the question: Why Love? As I mentioned in my blog, and if you follow the UConn Women’s Basketball team this year, you know that you can still lose even if you play with heart. But that ability to play or live from Love gives you the strength to handle setbacks.

There are two ways Love helps us succeed.

  1. Builds Strength
  2. Is the foundation to successful characteristics (for next post).

Building Strength

Let’s do a mind experiment. Think back to a time you were frustrated, angry, or felt lost or sad. There are a million ways we handle these emotions, but at the base of these emotions was a sense that the situation and feelings were imposed on you. That you had limited control or choice. I what you are thinking, and yes, I’ll quote the cliche: You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you… (Brian Tracy).

And I use the word cliche because we have all heard this before. But which attitude should we choose? I can choose anger, or fear, or any attitude I want. But when you choose Love you are building strength to become successful.

OK, stay with me as we take this a step deeper. Go back to the mind experiment and the negative reactions. Now think about control with the idea of strength. An easy example, have you ever said something in anger that you really didn’t mean? Or at least thought it? Yes, we all have. How does that happen? We lose control because we are not centered (or strong enough at that moment) from a stance of Love (the choice to care about a person, thing or idea, and to act accordingly). So we internally, or worse, externally say something we don’t really feel. Yes, at the moment we do because those emotions are controlling our hearts and therefor our minds and mouth. Love gives us the strength to choose a different outcome.

It takes time and practice to operate from Love. Each time you do, you become stronger, you become more in control of your life. Nothing… Nothing stops the pain and tragedy of life. Love is the factor that helps us move past those moments to build a successful life. We will still lose games on last second shots, that’s life. But who wouldn’t want to be a part of a team with 11 championships or a 111 win streak? Or better yet, laughter at the dinner table, friends and family at Christmas, and Love.

The next post will look at the second part of success, how love is the foundation of successful characteristics.

Quote with a single star and last sun rays

 

 

 

 

 

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Part I: Definition

Title with dictionary page

There are 97 words for Love in Sanskrit. Each revealing a specific kind of love, like passion or motherly. In the English language we  tend to use the word Love to mean lots of different things. We have 22 definitions according to Dictionary.com of the word Love.

For this series I think it is important to create a definition to work from for the deeper and more abstract ideas I will share in future posts. Now, this has not been easy. I wanted a direct and clear definition that would allow me to expand my answer. So after many edits and rewrites I have decided to use the following definition for the bases of this series.


Love: the choice to care about a person, thing or idea, and to act accordingly.


I understand that your definition might be different. And I know this does not encompass all the possible ways that our society uses the word Love. But it is a good definition to build my answer for the upcoming posts.

Let me spend a moment explaining my definition.

Choice

First, there is a magical aspect of love, especially romantic love, but I will write about that later. For this definition choice is the first component. Love is more than feelings. We can choose our actions, our words, and the way we interact with this life.

Care

As an English teacher I knew not to use the word in the definition, so I decided on the word care. This is an umbrella word that allows me to be specific with examples but will transfer well to other examples for you, the reader. I might care about a person’s development, or care about my goals, or care that my child is afraid of the storm.

To Act

Here is the crutch of it all. To act. To practice what I preach. Not easy, but that is for a future post in this series. For now, the most important aspect of this definition is the action, whether it is in thought, belief, or physical behavior, action is important.

Now that I have developed a working definition, the next post will start to specifically answer the question: Why Love?

Share your definition of Love in the comment section or on Twitter with me.

 

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Why Love

Tilte with boy running with balloons

A simple question keeps running through my head lately; ‘Why Love?”

Why anchor my life on Love?

Why not money? Why not success or pride? Why not fame? Why not Hate? These things seem to work… watch TV or YouTube to see how many times these characteristics get likes or shares. The guy tailgating me has a nicer truck than me (and I’m even in the right lane going the speed limit). I still tip even when my family is treated like nobodies at a restaurant.

Really, why not instill a selfish attitude in my children? It would be easier to send an email to the school complaining about something instead of listening to my children, asking them how they can make it better or how to work through it. I can teach them to not care about teammates or friends. The feelings and aspirations of others are not their concern. If they are going to make it in this world they have to go for theirs and pity anyone that gets in their way. There is no such thing as loyalty or dedication…

But I don’t. I do my best to choose Love.

Why Love?

Over the next couple of weeks I am going to try to answer that question through a series of posts exploring how Love works in building an incredible life.

Why Love? Join me to find out why.

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Losing Hurts and that is Good

A last second basketball shot

The photo above is a last second game winning 3-pointer in the championship game… for the other team. My second son is number 15 in the red uniform. He has never lost a game like that before.

Teen performing a speech

The picture above is my oldest son, performing serious prose for Speech. At districts he got third in one round, but got sixth in another. He didn’t qualify for finals.

As a dad it was hard to lessen the pain my sons felt after each of these moments. Even harder to explain the benefit of losing (blog post from 2011). I want them to know that character is built on both sides of the coin, winning and losing. I want them to know that it is important to feel the pain of defeat because it means that their heart was in it.  And honestly, I think that is the most important aspect to success.

Anyone can participate in a sport or activity. Some are even successful without ever putting their heart into it. I mean that they can win on talent alone, but that isn’t the only reason to be involved in an activity. Finding out who you are and expressing yourself through that activity is the greatest achievement.

No matter if we win or lose we have moments that reveal who we really are in our pursuit of our goals. Putting our heart into an activity allows us to become ourselves, to understand who we are. To be great as a person. I know I am their dad, but I am proud of the men my sons are becoming.

My oldest son got his first main role as a third grader. He was Charlie in Willy Wonka Jr.

Boy performing as Charlie

This year he choose to perform Sweeney Todd, one of his favorite plays, during Speech season. Next year he hopes to perform an original piece, plus compete in Poetry. I am proud of his strength to perform pieces that are true to his heart and not sell out in hopes of winning.

My second son started playing basketball in first grade.

boy dribbling ball

He has worked hard, from that first game when he would not move from his spot on the court when he was on defense, to playing with the NBDA Bison Green team. I am proud of his work ethic and focus on achieving his goals.

I am most proud of both of them for feeling the sting of defeat, because it means their hearts are in it, win or lose. And if they keep pursuing their goals with their heart, I know they will succeed, especially in life.

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