Give this blog one star.

If you don’t enjoy this blog post, please give it one star. Honest feedback is healthy, especially when it points out an area that can be improved. It’s not always easy to take, but necessary to grow as a person. 

But, I was recently one star bombed on Goodreads. Someone made a private account and gave every book I have listed one star. Another indie author friend received one star reviews from the same account. We reported the account, but nothing has been corrected as of yet.

I don’t know why, but I see this situation in my head. The light of a computer screen. Someone making an account. Searching my name, because I am not that famous to show up on anyone’s recommendation page. Clicking on my fist book. One Star.

Next book. One Star.

Next book. One Star.

Until all of my books have been rated by them. Maybe they have a list next to the computer. They cross out my name and go to the next author. From what I could find, they had one star reviewed 50 books. 

And while they are doing that I see them smile. Maybe thinking they are hurting me, getting back at me. They are happy doing this.

I don’t understand. I don’t. I don’t know who I ticked off so much that they were inspired to do this. I don’t know how a heart feels joy at trying to hurt another person by attacking what they love to do.

I don’t understand a lot of what is going on in the world.

Am I hurt? Yes, yes I am. I welcome honest feedback. I can’t get better if I don’t know what is not working for a reader. But a malicious moment like this… hurts as a person. And makes this world just a little bit darker.

And Just Like That

The wind almost pushed me back as I took a step around the corner on my walk this evening. Wind gusts were close to 30 miles an hour. Other parts of my walk were nice. The clouds were a mix of puffy white dollops and angry gray streaks. I was enjoying my walk.

And just like that I was crying.

Earlier today I wrote an autobiographical poem for day 16 of the April Poem a Day challenge. It dealt with the time my biological mom moved us to Albuquerque. So, my personal history was on my mind. Then my playlist played “Walk Like a Man” by Tim McGraw (number 85 on my top 100 list).

There’s a lot to this song I connect with, but it wasn’t really about those issues.

Grief is an interesting emotion. The world suddenly shifted in color, as if a filter had been applied behind my eyes. And just like that I knew my biological father was gone. And with that realization came a wave of loss. Sadly not of him, but of what could have been. It has been four months since his passing, but everyday from here on out is a reminder that in part, our story is over. 

But I’m still here dealing with the hurt. 

And just like that the world is different… I’m not sure it is better, though.

My Top 5 Songs

For my regular readers you know that my best friend and I have been counting down our top 100 songs of all time. We finished last week. My best friend proposed our top 25 albums of all time, which we will start sharing in June.

 Here are my top 5 songs.

Number 5: 

“Welcome to the Boomtown” by David & David. 

A group that only produced one album.  The album is a look at the gritty truth about life. “Welcome to the Boomtown” is pretty clear about how drugs affect a town. There are two main story lines, both look at people that should be successful but drugs and money take them down. It was a song I loved as soon as I heard it, way back in high school… and it is still on lots of my playlists.

Number 4:

“I Don’t Wanna” by The Call. 

There is so much here about this song. This was an important song for me as I was trying to change everything and understand what my choice would lead to. I connected and still connect with the loneliness of feeling love. The song is complex and certain parts connect with life as I’ve grown. But at the heart is just the desire to be loved in the moment. Yet, life takes it away and you have to live without it.

Number 3:

“Alive and Kicking” by Simple Minds. 

There are some levels to this song, one level is about how love makes you feel. But there is a sad aspect with it, what if it goes away? The chorus asks those questions. The question that gets me is ‘who’s going to save you?’  I love the build up to that question (second time), the music and the lyrics. Alive and Kicking is a cool idiom to express the energy Love gives you, but also takes from you. This song lifts my spirit every time I hear it. 

Number 2:

“Up Where We Belong” by Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes.

 I wanted this to be the song my wife and I danced to at our wedding reception. My sappy side is on full display in this song.  But honestly, I believe in it… in Love, real love. I don’t know how or why but that belief kept me holding on in so many different ways throughout my years. It is why I didn’t have relationships like I saw my parents have. Why I fought to make my life better. Love can change everything.

Number 1:

“I Would Die 4 U” by Prince. 

First it is a groovy song. You want to dance to it as soon as it starts. When I was young I thought it was a great love song, a little weird with the lyrics but the feeling of being in love so much you would die for them is universal and that’s why many people still see it as a love song.  But it is more spiritual than that. This is a first person perspective from Jesus. People don’t know that. If you read the lyrics as you listen you will understand the perspective.  Even with that, there is a line that gets to me personally, third verse when Prince rapid fires the “I-I-I’ really need is to know that you believe”. I guess I have always been searching for that… to know someone believes in me. 

So, they say you can learn a lot about a person by the music they listen to… this is part of who I am through by my top 5 songs.

Choose Your Reaction

I have had three moments recently that reinforced the power of choosing my reactions to situations. Did I make the right choice? Overall I think so, but let me share these three dots…

First situation was a few days ago. It was time for dinner but our youngest daughter was not home. She is 10 years old. We knew where she was, she had ridden her bike to a friend’s house about eight blocks away. Frustration started to boil in my chest as the food was almost ready to serve and there was no sign of my daughter.

I decided to take the car to go get her. In my head I was mad because she should know to come home around 6 p.m. because we usually eat at that time. But then I thought of the fact that she does not have a phone or even a watch. Also, the weather is getting nice, she is a kid playing with a friend… time has no influence on her, just me.

I saw them on the driveway playing some kind of ball game. I rolled down the window. The moment had come to decide how I was going to handle the moment. Yell at her? Lecture her about being responsible?

“Time for dinner!” I said.

“OK,” she replied, smiling. She hugged her friend then got on her bike. She peddled next to me as I told her how fast she was going.

As we sat down to dinner she told me that she had asked her friend’s dad to let her know when it was 6:15 so that she would come home in time for dinner.

Second moment was yesterday at track practice.

I chose to yell. OK, more like raised my voice and brought out my frustrated energy.

Now, I did not yell at a single athlete or put anyone down. But I stood in the middle of the discus ring while the throwers stood around me. Their attitude and focus was shabby as they did some power throws. No left arm. Not smashing the bug (turning the right foot). Being smooth with their release… discuses were wobbly or 90 degrees. I was frustrated that the fundamentals were lacking, especially since this was the seventh week of the season. I let them know.

I am not a coach that yells. I stay pretty level, even when good things happen. I needed their attention. I got it. Practice afterwards was much better regarding focus and execution of the fundamentals.

The last moment was just this morning. My third daughter (age 14) came to my room before school started. She was obviously in a bad mood. As a dad I asked about it. (I know all you parents are already reacting… wrong move.) She replied that the question was annoying and put her earbuds back in.

My first reaction was to match her energy back at her. But I pushed the frustration down. I told her I was asking because I cared. She didn’t respond back. I continued to get ready for the day. My chest was still a little warm, but reminded myself that she was a teen, it was the morning. (I swear I didn’t say a single word to my second son in the morning all through high school.) 

I went to get a ladder because I had to put up some posters my students made, when I returned my daughter asked if she could help. She wanted to climb the ladder. She took some funny pictures and helped me put up the posters. 

Our emotions rise quickly in any situation, positive or negative. And there is nothing wrong with the emotions, but how we react to the situation and to the emotion dictates the outcome. My relationship with my daughters could have been bruised if I had yelled at them. My athletes needed a wake up call.

We do have a choice on how we react. It makes all the difference in some of the most important moments of our lives.

It is hard to reach your goals

So, I’m not doing what I set out to do. I am supposed to be writing a really cool short story idea I have. I am at my favorite writing spot at my local coffee shop, The Blue Moon. I have my Bizarre Orange Encounter drink. (My traditional drink for moments like this.) My writing playlist is hitting the right notes. But I am blogging.

Chasing your dreams is hard.

Today, this moment, is a perfect example why.

First, I had planned this moment a few days ago. Our trash needs to be out on the curb at 7 a.m. I was like, I could just go to the Blue Moon to write before the day started. 

It opens at 7:30. We are on Easter break. Perfect way to start the day. Well, it was a struggle to just get here.

I got the garbage out in time, but had to fight… fight the urge to just crawl back into bed and sleep. The voice in my head tempted me with the thought that I could write another time. And it is true… but that is the first hurdle to achieving your goals. Actually working on it.

There will always be something to take you away from working on your goals, especially if you have to hold down a job to chase your dream or raise a family or any relationship. We only have so much time. We all have the same amount each day. We decide how to spend it. It’s important to spend it well. That means your relationships, your job, but also your goals. 

Yes, you have to plan your time, and that is OK. Plan the time with friends and family, but also your goals, and stick to it.

The second hurdle was my youngest daughter. She loves having breakfast at the Blue Moon. I was tempted to see if she wanted to go. To sit and talk with her about Taylor Swift and horses. But if I did, I wouldn’t get any writing done. Achieving balance is part of life. Hence, the reason for planning your time. It helps you maintain that balance so you can strive for your goals and be a good friend, father, and husband (in my case).

I showered, grabbed my computer, kissed my wife and headed to the Blue Moon. Got my drink. Put in my headphones. And started this blog… which is also a hurdle.

 I am supposed to be working on a new short story. Instead, I am blogging. I know what you might be thinking reader. How is this a bad thing? You blog all the time.

It is bad because I am not working toward my goal. I want to be known as a writer. I have novels that are not completed. Short story rough drafts in notebooks. I have so many ideas that are not completed. They don’t write themselves.

Yes, I am happy to blog. I hope this post helps you in your pursuit of your dreams. But I wonder, am I just afraid to reach for that big dream. Are you afraid, too? 

We find ways to distract ourselves, to give ourselves excuses not to chase those big dreams.

Today has 24 hours. Plan it well. Love your family and friends, but your goals need your time and effort too. 

Blueberry Muffins and Obedience

Today has been routine, blueberry muffins (and scrambled eggs and sausage patties) then church.

My mood was and is still a little blue after yesterday’s slam event (I Quit). But life has a way of giving me dots to connect (regular readers understand that reference). The message today was about obedience. This post is not about the sermon, it is about this life.

Obedience: noun

1 a: an act or instance of obeying

   b: the quality or state of being obedient

*from Merriam-Webster.

First topic, writing, especially poetry but also any goal someone is pursuing. We understand the work it takes to pursue any goal. The dedication, the time, and the energy it takes. Even with the talent and work ethic, success is not guaranteed. But some form of failure seems to be. I think we all understand this concept, so let’s go deeper and bring in obedience.

“The quality or state of being obedient.” How is this connected to following a dream? Might be an unpopular take but I believe that our goals and dreams are part of who we are. In all our shades of colors, we are here to live a life driven by our goals. Of course they change as we grow, as we learn, and as we fail. And yes, others have the same goals. I can’t even imagine how many people want to be a poet… but they can’t write my poems.

Being obedient to a dream is to be true to ourselves.  To give our life the authority of creating our everydayness. Yesterday (and still a little today), I felt like giving up on poetry, on writing. But I actually have a rough draft of a poem already on paper…

Poetry is not something I do

It is who I am

Do you not understand?

I understand, too well, that following a goal is not so easy, that our everyday life is filled with decisions and the welfare of other people. That we have in our hearts a collection of desires and hopes. There are moments when our dreams are in conflict with each other, and we have to make a choice. Which dream do we obey?

Obedience is not giving away our power, it is fulfilling what our life should be. We can rebel, I can quit writing. I can ignore the muse when it strikes. I did not have to write this blog post. You, reader, would have never known I was rebelling. Rebelling against who I am… but that’s not being REAL. (My word for the year.)

What about the muffins? Faithful readers know the role of making muffins on Sunday for my family. It is also an act of obedience. Obedience to my dream, my reality of having a loving home, having a tradition that brings us all together as much as possible. A dream I try to be obedient to every day.

I Quit

I just spent almost two hours on the road thinking about how to write this post. I was traveling back from Lincoln where I competed in a poetry slam. The winner represents the state of Nebraska at the Blackberry/ Peach national slam this summer.

I got last.

That means the judges scored my poem and my performance the lowest out of all the competitors.

Last.

I’ve been working on my delivery, my pauses, my speed and pronunciation of words, especially throughout the whole poem. To speak clearly at the end as I do at the beginning.

I got last.

And right now, when adding other poetic endeavors, I quit.

I have been writing poetry since junior high. I have self published six books of poetry, participated in the April Poem a Day for five years. I have been sharing my works during The Jam, a weekly poetry / spoken word / music space on X for at least 80 some episodes. I have notebooks, post-it notes, and other scrap paper with rough drafts of poems.

Right now, I don’t care. 

The frustration and heartache of trying to be a poet is too much. My confidence is shaken. My chest hurts. This feeling sucks. It seems that I deal with more negative aspects of chasing this dream than positive moments. My tank is empty.

So, today, I quit.

Now, tomorrow?

Well, that is a different poem.

Random Life

I usually use Spotify on my walks. Not 100 percent of the time, but mostly. By now you may have seen the AI DJ option. I’m sure you know that the “shuffle” option is not actually random for a playlist. Heck it is not random if you shuffle an artist. Even if you are a true fan, you usually just get the top songs…

AI is telling me what my own musical taste is… and it’s wrong.

Let’s stay with the music first. Jake Peterson in his article “The Reason Spotify Shuffles Aren’t Really Random (and How to Fix It)” says it best, “But most of us use the shuffle feature because we want random songs to play. Intentionally picking only songs that match each other means there are plenty of tracks that never see the light of day, and other songs that play much more frequently.” 

I have over a 1000 CDs, hundreds of cassettes, and my “Just Some Good Songs” playlist on Spotify is 49 hours long. 

Do I remember every song I ever heard? No.

Do I own CDs I haven’t listened to for awhile? Yes.  But I have listened to every one of them at least once.

My musical taste is mine. So, when I hit shuffle on a playlist, or an artist, like Prince. I am expecting to hear songs I haven’t heard in awhile. I want to be taken back in time, to remember moments I hadn’t thought of in awhile. I want to be reminded of how great a song is, or to appreciate a song now that I have experienced more in life and the song hits differently.

By default the algorithm is designed to play songs that match together. Joe Fedewa explains how this works in his article, “Why Spotify Shuffle is Not Truly Random”. Basically, Spotify curates the songs in a playlist, trying to keep songs by the same artist spread out and to have songs flow together. So, as Jake Peterson said, you may never hear a song you put on a playlist. A song you like.

The beauty of life is the randomness that happens.

Seeing a bird take flight on my walk.

Trying a new drink at the coffee shop, or the crazy new chip flavor Lay’s comes up with.

Or having a DMX song play after Phil Collins on my walk. That’s who I am, at least musically. AI will never understand that.

Top 100 Memories

My last music based post was last November (2023). If you are a regular reader you know that my best friend and I are counting down our top 100 songs of all time. Today was number 39. Each day we share a little about why the song is part of the top 100. The coolest part is appreciating the memories that go with the songs. The first concert for my second son, singing in the hallways of high school, playing Nintendo Ice Hockey.

No, I am not going to share all the songs or memories. But it is a Saturday night and it feels like a good time to share a few of the songs from my list, but only the ones that have been shared. (I might do a post about the top 10 when we are done.)

The first song is “The Men Who Drive Me Places” by Ben Rector. (Number 96)

What I love most about this song is the reminder that we all have stories. We all have dreams. Sometimes they come true. Other times, the dreams are partially realized. But we chase them, and along the way we live life with the people we love.

The second song is “Who’s Behind the Door” by Zebra. (Number 82)

Yes, a trip back to the 80s when you would go to a friend’s house to lounge around and listen to music. Zebra was a band we both loved. We would go to the mall to buy their cassettes. And listen to it in his car on the way home. (I did not have a car in high school… that is another story.) I love the idea of what is beyond our world in the song, and the memories of a friendship that has lasted for decades. Side note: if you like live albums, Zebra’s live album is fantastic.

The final song is “I Can See It in Your Eyes” by Men at Work. (Number 47)

Business as Usual by Men at Work was the first cassette I ever bought, and with my own money. I would listen to this album while I played Atari 2600 after school. Centipede was one of my favorite games. Next was Indiana Jones, Raiders of the Lost Ark. The only game I ever finished. I kept dying on the last level of Frogger. Back to the music, this is one of those rare cases that I like the album songs more than the radio hits. This song is a unique look at the end of a relationship and the passing of time. Their music has always been original and I have been a fan for a long time.

The bittersweet aspect of listening to the soundtrack of my life is knowing that all I have now is the memories. After all the events over the past year, I can’t lie that I wish I could somehow go back and relive some of the best moments of my life. I know the future has joyful moments to come, but still… 

Blueberry Muffins and the Top 100 Songs of All-Time

My best friend and I have been sharing our top 100 favorite songs of all-time in countdown style since January 1st. We share one song each day with a quick insight on why the song was chosen. Usually we send the song info each morning. Today was no different. (Today was number 59, “A Different Corner” by George Michael for me. For my best friend it was Jane’s Addiction, “Summertime Rolls”)

I sent my text as I was waiting for the oven to preheat. The muffin pan was filled with the paper muffin cups. Coffee was about halfway done. A regular Sunday morning vibe. I smiled as I sent my song because I remembered the music video we made for my song. We filmed my reflection in a closet mirror as I sat backwards on a kitchen chair… where was TikTok when I was a teen? 

Over the last month it has been a musical journey sharing my list with my best friend. Yes, many of the songs are connected to our friendship, but others are soundtracks to other times in our lives. My best friend has songs from obscure artists that he has seen in concert. I have songs that I sing along to with my daughters. It is fun to continue to learn more about my best friend. It has also been good to remember the better moments in my life. 

Good moments like blueberry muffins on Sunday morning.